So when I started this blog last November it was more of a
joke than anything else. I have been single for who knows how long and every
time I go on a date everyone wants the full lowdown of who did what and who
said what. Naturally they all look to me as the problematic one who is too
demanding or too picky. So I finally could not take all the questions anymore
and sent everyone a mail about my disastrous date with Mr. Italiano. I have to
say that the reviews I got from my dearest darling friends was fabulous….and I was
able to make everyone laugh, including myself, at my comedic dating life. Thus
we saw the start of “The Ugly Truth”…
Some of the more recent posts have been very doom and gloom
and not as funny as I would like it to have been but hey that is part of life.
Heartbreak, death and depression are all a part of any one’s life and you have
to take the good with the bad. I find it very therapeutic to write about
whatever is happening in my life and if there is any way that my happiness or misfortune
can help anyone out there then I gladly share my thoughts with you.
This year has been a particularly challenging year. I
started the year with a few dates but sadly this Mr. Right seems to allude me
all the bloody time. He is quite a sneaky bugger if you ask me.
In February I was devastated with the loss of a great and
close friend. This was a first for me and I can’t recall ever having had a
break down like that since my father passed away many moons ago. I don’t think
that at the age of six I could completely comprehend the grieving process but
now understand what the mourning process involves and that prepared me for what
lied ahead later in the year. Everyone grieves in their own way and some are
stronger than others. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but you need to
let yourself experience the event and have closure on the matter. Instead of
falling into that deep depression and staying there we all decided to celebrate
Jaun’s life and we still do with every gathering. God bless you Jaun and I hope
that you have eternal happiness where ever you are.
I managed to meet a cute guy in a bar and had a good chat.
He turned out to be a bit of an arrogant jerk and I instead ended up going on a
few dates with his friend who was at the bar that night as well. Really a very
good looking model boy with a million dollar smile, but completely not my type
at all. However I tried to be open minded and gave it a shot and after we did
not click on the third date we parted ways and never spoke again. I see on the
wonderful world of Facebook that he has a partner now and he looks so happy.
That makes me happy and I wish him nothing but the best because he is an incredibly
decent guy and deserves the best.
This year I started the next chapter of my book of life by
turning 30… I managed to book a fantastic trip to Mauritius with some pretty
awesome friends who also celebrate their birthdays around the same time and one
of which also turned 30 this year. I started going for tanning sessions and
well let’s just say that made for some pretty good laughs. My good friend from work
decided that he would join and let’s just say there was never a dull moment with
laughs and comments. Why didn’t I do this before? The trip was fantastic and
exactly what I needed and wanted. I have so many great memories and pictures
and can’t wait to go back. I could easily become one of those people who
migrate to the island getaway on a yearly vacation. Oh and by the way the
tanning sessions continued even after the trip with even more laughs.
The holiday was fantastic and I did not want to come back.
Perhaps I should have stayed, because I was again shaken in my boots as we
returned and I was told that two of my closest friends from high school passed
away in a violent motorcycle accident. Bitter sweet does not even begin to explain
what I was feeling. Feelings of sadness, loneliness and guilt took over and I could
not comprehend what was happening. In actual fact I still cant. I had not seen
them in a few years and although we still remained in touch it was not as
frequent as usual. Cornel would have had his birthday on the 3rd of
December and Mariska would have joined us in the dirty thirties on the 10th
of December. It still comes like a shock to me every time I think of it and I am
not entirely over the sadness of this event. I am just so relieved that they
did leave this world together just the way they have been for over 14 years. I simply
could not imagine the one without the other and I think if one of them had
remained behind it would have been a lifetime of misery that they would have
led. God Bless you both and I hope that you are in a happy place and more
importantly, together.
I managed to get involved with a local charity race in
support of Prostate and Testicular cancer. The DaREDevil Run
(www.daredevilrun.co.za) is a bunch of guys that decided it would be a good
idea to go run in the streets of Johannesburg during rush hour in tiny red speedos.
I never thought that it would be that much fun or that I would actually even go through with it. At
some point I think I stared death in the face and said “back off bitch”. I am
clearly incredibly unfit and could not handle that 5km run very well. At least I
was pretty nice and brown which was fabulous. All of us that took part decided
that next year we will do it again, so best get training.
More recently I met a
boy that caught my eye. Far younger than me but still very mature and possibly
an old soul like me. I had invited him with to a few friendly gatherings and
things did start developing, well for me at least. There was yet again only one
problem, he is involved and against my better judgment I went into this with
open eyes and willingly. What makes it even worse is that he has met most of my
friends and they totally love him too. For a couple of weeks I was literally on
cloud 9 every day and ignored that squeaky annoying voice in the back of my
head that said “hey, don’t lose focus on reality”. We had discussed what was
happening and he confirmed that he was fond of me but that he was confused
about what to do and that he needs time to sort it out. Right now he is on
holiday with his boyfriend and I decided that there is to be no contact during
this time from either of us. You would think that I would have learned my
lesson after the whole three year disaster with Mr. Suburbia and his little
wifey. Clearly this was not the case. The situation is more complicated than it
seems and I still don’t know what I am going to do when this week is up and he
is back. When you become your own worst enemy and you can justify every angle
of the story, how can you possibly make a decision on what is right for you at
the end of the day? I must trust in the fact that I have the experience and
knowledge to make the right decision at the end of the day. My heart speaks a
language I can’t interpret anymore. I want to believe that it will all be ok
and that things, no matter what the outcome, will work itself out. Hope is the
only thing we have to cling to but what do you do when that hope starts to slip
away slowly but surely and you suddenly realise that you have no desire or will
power to go through this again and again and again…
Christmas is a week away and when I look back on the year
gone by I see a lot of great things that I have experienced and a lot of
sadness too. I believe that the sadness makes you appreciate the good times and
there is a higher power that is in charge of our destiny and we have very
little say in what is going to happen. We try to control our lives to the
extreme and fool ourselves into thinking that we have the power. All you are
really doing is fooling yourself into the false believe that you can decide
your fate. You are the only one that can make yourself happy. As for the major
events that is still to come, you will have to just wait and see what life
throws at you. Stop fooling yourself and get with the program! Reality always
puts you back in your place to remind you that we are all just passing through.
I wish everyone of you a blessed festive season and a great
new year. May your wildest dreams come true and may you eventually find those
things you have been looking for.
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