Relationship Status: It's Complicated...

Society dictates that in order for you to live a full and happy life and achieve ultimate levels of bliss you have to be married and punch out some kids by the age of 25. Who are these people that determine this? Where did they come from and who gives them the right to decide our futures for us? I say screw them for trying to control our already difficult lives. Have any of these people ever been in the real dating world? We can’t all marry our high school sweethearts and live happily ever after. To further complicate the picture what about us, the gays of the world, what are we supposed to do?

Where are the protocols on what we are meant to do to achieve ultimate levels of bliss? Do we have to punch out kids before 25? When should we settle down? Where are the rules and regulations for us? Where is the hand book?

The answer is simple – there are no rules in gay relationships. There will never be a guideline or a handbook to tell you what you do next. There is no troubleshooting in a relationship. This is not necessarily a bad thing. We now have the luxury of making up our own rules as we go and flying by the seat of our pants most of the time. We as a gay culture always over achieve in our careers and other projects. Why shouldn’t we over achieve in matters related to the heart? We are always out to prove a point to society and to show that we are just as good as the next person for the job, if not better. It’s like they see us as handicapped. If that’s the case I would certainly love to make use of the handicapped parking spaces at malls. It’s such a drama walking to the car with all those shopping bags and still trying to look fabulous. Where is my handicapped zone sticker?

Back to the point of this blog… I have been single for most of my adult life and in some cases it was by choice. Yet when you confess this in general conversation you don’t get a standing ovation or a round of applause, you get pitiful looks from dolled up gals who cling to their “all brawn and no brain” hubbies. Then there is always the follow up comment: “Awww… but you’re such a wonderful guy, you really shouldn’t be alone…

Am I alone? Am I lonely? What’s the difference?

Soon after that they follow with the inevitable: “Oh I have a gay friend and you guys would be perfect together”. Really? Just because we’re both gay does not mean we are going to be great together. The same logic still applies as in any straight relationship. There has to be a connection people, we have to click and have some chemistry in order for us to be great together. Would you like it if I did the same to you single gals out there: “Oh I know a straight guy and you would be perfect together”. I can already hear the feedback on that.

To answer my previous question about being alone or lonely. It’s not a simple yes or no response unfortunately. Yes I get lonely and yes sometimes I choose to be alone. Is it not ultimately better to be alone then to be with someone who makes you feel alone? Would you not rather be in an intellectually and physically stimulating relationship then a boring day in and day out relationship where serving his every need is your first priority no matter what you’re feeling? I’d love to be in a committed and caring relationship but sadly that has alluded me for many years. I have tried many times to build on something more than friendship with some very decent guys in my past but it didn’t work out. So what? At least I did make an attempt, even if most of them were straight and confused. I have looked for Mr. Right all over the place, in bars and clubs, in churches and at parades, occasionally on my back but most of them turned out to be Mr. Right Out Of His Freaking Mind…

There are times when you just want to cuddle with a special guy on the couch and not just jump his bones because there is nothing good on TV. There are times when you want to call that guy and have him tell you how awesome you are and that no matter what your day is like he will always love you. Often my gay people confuse that line between sex and love and that is where everything goes upside down… pun not really intended. Yes I might want kids and yes I would probably settle down with a special guy in a perfect little home in the perfect little suburb but the trick is to find this allusive guy who shares your values, interests and commitment to a relationship. Someone who doesn’t just love you for the night and then doesn’t call you again. Someone who is prepared to be there for you at your best and at your worst, who will help fight those personal demons we all have.

I don’t want to settle for just any old fag, I want to settle for the guy of my dreams. The guy who will take care of me in sickness and who will share my joy in health. A guy who will share my riches but also stand beside me and hold my hand in the poor times. A guy who won’t just bail at the first sign of trouble but who will stick around and help me fight the battle. Someone who won’t treat me like a slave but will appreciate the things I willingly do for him and not just expect it. I deserve to be loved and so does anyone who reads this blog. Why do we put ourselves down and make ourselves believe that we are not good enough. It’s not all about six packs and pecs, it’s about a different kind of muscle all together, the heart. Its needs tenderness and care, it needs gentle handling and special attention. These are basic needs that anyone can fulfill if they only try. So just put away the lube for a bit and take a good look at the situation. Are you happy with your life? Are you happy with that special person in your life? Does he meet your needs or is it all about him? You have needs too; always remember that and any healthy relationship is about give and take, it can’t be all about you giving and him taking.

The point of this blog is not to wreck any homes or disrupt anyone’s perfect world but rather to make you see what you are worth and how much you deserve. Life is far too short to not live the life that makes you happy.

Now go out there and do what you need to do to make you happy, you deserve it!!!

A Gay Old Love Letter

What will happen when I fall in love? I imagine it would be something like this…

 

My Love,

I love you. Those three words don’t seem to be enough to describe how my heart warms at your touch. My heart beats for only you and I find myself staring into the unknown think of your warm embrace. From the moment we first met you stole my heart and at the time I had no clue, but slowly as time passed us by I realized how my love for you has grown. When I hear your voice I get excited, when I see your face my heart beats faster. You make me happy and I want to stay captivated in every magical moment with you forever.

When you’re sad I want to hold you close and let you know that all will be ok. When you cry I want to wipe away your tears and kiss away the pain. When you treat me bad I want to tell you how much I love you so you know how your words break my heart. When you’re happy I want to share your joy and laugh together until it hurts. I want to be all you need and all you desire and when you don’t know where to turn I want you to turn to me in every challenge you face. I want to share a life with you and only you, without doubt or fear without resentment or hesitation and without judgment. The sharing of special moments and intimate experiences with you is my greatest desire. Let me be your one and only.

I want to see you be the man you are meant to be and look into your eyes and let you see how much you mean to me. See my heart overflow for you. Look into my soul and love every part of me without fear, even the darkest parts of my sorrow filled soul. Be with me even when you have nothing to say and be happy with the comfortable silence that wraps us up like in a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night. Break the silence with your beautiful smile and magical words that always comfort me no matter what. Treat me with respect and love and never sacrifice what we have to impress others.

Think of me before you think of yourself, because that’s what I do. Share your last piece of bread with me because no matter how hard the situation is, if we share the task the journey is easier. Surprise me with your abilities, both physical and emotional. Grow with me every day and share new adventures by my side.  Hold my hand and let our connection be unbroken by any anyone or anything. Keep me engaged and intrigued with your vast oceans of thinking and I will do the same. Put your arms around me when I’m sad and let me feel your love shine through because I really need it at those times. Share your deepest darkest secrets with me and make me see the real you inside out. When times are tough let me share the burdens with you. Let me cry with you when the sky is grey and laugh with you when the sun comes out again.  

Let the words I have written give you comfort when you need it. Let my love for you never be doubted and never let any one person divide what we have.

My heart belongs to you now and forever, even when were old and grey. When we eventually take our last breath we will be side by side for eternity amongst the heavenly starts in a pitch black sky.

I love you…

The Teacher...

So its been a while since I last blogged about anything. I think perhaps I have been too preoccupied with “life” and dealing with all its joy and agony.

So a couple of weeks ago I went on this date with a guy I met online, again. We started chatting on the Saturday and he sounded really cool. He sounded a bit more intelligent than the rest and for once he was not interested in getting into my pants. He was adamant that he is not looking for sex and that he wants to find that special one. We are the same age and turns out we went to school in the same area and we basically knew the same people so there was lots of catching up. So on the Sunday he was in the area and I invited him over for coffee. Naturally it was a bit uncomfortable but the conversation was not flowing same as it was when we chatted online. It felt very strained and very awkward. I was used to this by now as it generally does happen like that on the first “date”. He was a fairly good looking guy, dark hair blue eyes, a bit skinny but not anorexic at all. The bonus was that he is a high school maths teacher which means that the guy has more than two brain cells.

So anyway he stayed for couple of hours and then left. We watched Sherlock Holmes, the second one. Note to self, not a good idea to be watching a movie on the first date. You really don’t interact with each other and you focus more on the movie. Instead of talking to each other you make small talk about the movie which really does not tell you anything about the person. He left and sent a very sweet message about how he enjoyed meeting me and that next time I should come over to his place for a movie and a cuddle. This was rather positive and cute I must say and I was very flattered. The chatting over text was rather positive but again it was more involved then it was earlier in person. Nonetheless I did not really stress about it yet as there is still potential at this stage.

So during the week we chatted every day and there would be sweet messages back and forth saying “Hope you have a great day” and so on, but then things started turning a bit weird. I got a message asking about my “size” and let’s be clear he was not asking about my shoe size, although apparently the two are related. Immediately I was a bit annoyed with him and thought to myself that this dude was just as bad as the rest. So the week went on and by Wednesday we made plans to meet up on the Thursday again. Now however he was asking if we can make out on the Thursday. My immediate thought was that this guy can go and take a hike but as I have been told in the past that I am too full of crap I thought I should give it a go. Thursday came and I really did not feel like going but again I forced myself.

I got there and he apparently does not live alone. He has a very young very cute room mate who as it turns out is also gay. To be honest I was more into the room mate, physically, than into Mr Teacher. The three of us sat there drinking wine and making small talk. I was really not enjoying the conversation as it was mostly about the back stabbing and fights in the gay world and the roommate had some relationship with a married guy… been there done that. Eventually the roommate went to bed and then Mr Teacher started getting frisky. He was clearly drunk and I was not which is never a good idea. We moved from the couch to the bedroom where things were even weirder. No toys or kinky stuff but just weird. He made the weirdest noises and facial expressions and I was really not feeling the vibe. Needless to say that the whole event did not last very long and I was so relieved when it was over. I grabbed my clothes and got dressed in record time and on the way to the car he was saying he feels bad and that he feels drunk. I could not say goodbye fast enough and get out of there. Let me be very very very clear, that old saying of “bad sex is still better than no sex” is absolute bull shit. Bad sex is bad, period, and its really not worth the attempt.

The next day he was rather apologetic and said he never does things like this, which I simply do not believe. The guy is clearly an operator and from what I gathered during the conversations with the roommate this was not out of the ordinary. Then soon after that he begins again with wanting to know when I am I coming over again and he can’t wait. There is only one reason he wants me over there and its not for the sparkling conversation. I withdrew from the situation and gave him very open ended answers. Eventually I got a message saying “oh so I guess we are not seeing each other again” to which I replied that he should stop feeling sorry for himself and we will see what happens. At this point I was very annoyed and not interested at all.

So here is where my thinking is at right now. He misrepresented himself from the start and he is basically no better than the rest of the gay sluts out there that just want one thing from you. Well he got the one thing he wanted. After my last message to him I have not heard from him again and I am not bothered one bit, in fact I am very relived. My therapist suggested that I sent him a message saying how I felt but I actually don’t think he deserves an explanation from me.

I know I deserve better than this and I know that I am a great catch. Most of my friends tell me that I am full of crap and too selective but should I drop my standards and just fall for the first guy, who wants to get into my pants, I think not! We all deserve to be treated with respect and to be loved unconditionally and Mr Teacher was never going to be that guy.

Right now I am just so not in the mood for the dating game and have actually taken a break from dating and the online demon where all the freaks and perverts hang out. I need to focus some time on me and stop worrying about why they would be interested in me. They should make an effort to make me be interested in them…

So good riddance Mr Teacher and hope you find what you’re looking for.

Looking Back At 2011

So when I started this blog last November it was more of a joke than anything else. I have been single for who knows how long and every time I go on a date everyone wants the full lowdown of who did what and who said what. Naturally they all look to me as the problematic one who is too demanding or too picky. So I finally could not take all the questions anymore and sent everyone a mail about my disastrous date with Mr. Italiano. I have to say that the reviews I got from my dearest darling friends was fabulous….and I was able to make everyone laugh, including myself, at my comedic dating life. Thus we saw the start of “The Ugly Truth”…

Some of the more recent posts have been very doom and gloom and not as funny as I would like it to have been but hey that is part of life. Heartbreak, death and depression are all a part of any one’s life and you have to take the good with the bad. I find it very therapeutic to write about whatever is happening in my life and if there is any way that my happiness or misfortune can help anyone out there then I gladly share my thoughts with you.

This year has been a particularly challenging year. I started the year with a few dates but sadly this Mr. Right seems to allude me all the bloody time. He is quite a sneaky bugger if you ask me.

In February I was devastated with the loss of a great and close friend. This was a first for me and I can’t recall ever having had a break down like that since my father passed away many moons ago. I don’t think that at the age of six I could completely comprehend the grieving process but now understand what the mourning process involves and that prepared me for what lied ahead later in the year. Everyone grieves in their own way and some are stronger than others. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but you need to let yourself experience the event and have closure on the matter. Instead of falling into that deep depression and staying there we all decided to celebrate Jaun’s life and we still do with every gathering. God bless you Jaun and I hope that you have eternal happiness where ever you are.

I managed to meet a cute guy in a bar and had a good chat. He turned out to be a bit of an arrogant jerk and I instead ended up going on a few dates with his friend who was at the bar that night as well. Really a very good looking model boy with a million dollar smile, but completely not my type at all. However I tried to be open minded and gave it a shot and after we did not click on the third date we parted ways and never spoke again. I see on the wonderful world of Facebook that he has a partner now and he looks so happy. That makes me happy and I wish him nothing but the best because he is an incredibly decent guy and deserves the best.

This year I started the next chapter of my book of life by turning 30… I managed to book a fantastic trip to Mauritius with some pretty awesome friends who also celebrate their birthdays around the same time and one of which also turned 30 this year. I started going for tanning sessions and well let’s just say that made for some pretty good laughs. My good friend from work decided that he would join and let’s just say there was never a dull moment with laughs and comments. Why didn’t I do this before? The trip was fantastic and exactly what I needed and wanted. I have so many great memories and pictures and can’t wait to go back. I could easily become one of those people who migrate to the island getaway on a yearly vacation. Oh and by the way the tanning sessions continued even after the trip with even more laughs.

The holiday was fantastic and I did not want to come back. Perhaps I should have stayed, because I was again shaken in my boots as we returned and I was told that two of my closest friends from high school passed away in a violent motorcycle accident.  Bitter sweet does not even begin to explain what I was feeling. Feelings of sadness, loneliness and guilt took over and I could not comprehend what was happening. In actual fact I still cant. I had not seen them in a few years and although we still remained in touch it was not as frequent as usual. Cornel would have had his birthday on the 3^rd of December and Mariska would have joined us in the dirty thirties on the 10^th of December. It still comes like a shock to me every time I think of it and I am not entirely over the sadness of this event. I am just so relieved that they did leave this world together just the way they have been for over 14 years. I simply could not imagine the one without the other and I think if one of them had remained behind it would have been a lifetime of misery that they would have led. God Bless you both and I hope that you are in a happy place and more importantly, together.

I managed to get involved with a local charity race in support of Prostate and Testicular cancer. The DaREDevil Run (www.daredevilrun.co.za) is a bunch of guys that decided it would be a good idea to go run in the streets of Johannesburg during rush hour in tiny red speedos. I never thought that it would be that much fun or that I  would actually even go through with it. At some point I think I stared death in the face and said “back off bitch”. I am clearly incredibly unfit and could not handle that 5km run very well. At least I was pretty nice and brown which was fabulous. All of us that took part decided that next year we will do it again, so best get training.

 More recently I met a boy that caught my eye. Far younger than me but still very mature and possibly an old soul like me. I had invited him with to a few friendly gatherings and things did start developing, well for me at least. There was yet again only one problem, he is involved and against my better judgment I went into this with open eyes and willingly. What makes it even worse is that he has met most of my friends and they totally love him too. For a couple of weeks I was literally on cloud 9 every day and ignored that squeaky annoying voice in the back of my head that said “hey, don’t lose focus on reality”. We had discussed what was happening and he confirmed that he was fond of me but that he was confused about what to do and that he needs time to sort it out. Right now he is on holiday with his boyfriend and I decided that there is to be no contact during this time from either of us. You would think that I would have learned my lesson after the whole three year disaster with Mr. Suburbia and his little wifey. Clearly this was not the case. The situation is more complicated than it seems and I still don’t know what I am going to do when this week is up and he is back. When you become your own worst enemy and you can justify every angle of the story, how can you possibly make a decision on what is right for you at the end of the day? I must trust in the fact that I have the experience and knowledge to make the right decision at the end of the day. My heart speaks a language I can’t interpret anymore. I want to believe that it will all be ok and that things, no matter what the outcome, will work itself out. Hope is the only thing we have to cling to but what do you do when that hope starts to slip away slowly but surely and you suddenly realise that you have no desire or will power to go through this again and again and again…

Christmas is a week away and when I look back on the year gone by I see a lot of great things that I have experienced and a lot of sadness too. I believe that the sadness makes you appreciate the good times and there is a higher power that is in charge of our destiny and we have very little say in what is going to happen. We try to control our lives to the extreme and fool ourselves into thinking that we have the power. All you are really doing is fooling yourself into the false believe that you can decide your fate. You are the only one that can make yourself happy. As for the major events that is still to come, you will have to just wait and see what life throws at you. Stop fooling yourself and get with the program! Reality always puts you back in your place to remind you that we are all just passing through.

I wish everyone of you a blessed festive season and a great new year. May your wildest dreams come true and may you eventually find those things you have been looking for.

Death and Taxes...

In loving memory of Mariska and Cornel.

There are certain things you can always count on in this world. The two that will always be constant is death and taxes. Death will always find you wherever you are; you can’t out run it or hide from it because it knows you’re every move. Taxes pretty much work the same way. Every year like clockwork you have to file your returns and hope that the tax man approves.

Tomorrow I have to say goodbye to two great people who left this world of ours so abruptly and violently. In the prime of their lives they have been taken away from all who admired, adored and loved them. I never thought that one day I would be sitting here writing this blog about these two special people. Having known both Mariska and Cornel for close to fifteen years and admiring the love they had for each other I still find it hard to believe that this is the end. They were the ultimate example of how true love can last a lifetime and that real love does exist and that you can actually live the fantasy of settling down with your high school sweetheart.

When I was at my lowest point with discovering my own sexuality and dealing with puberty Mariska was there to offer a shoulder and push me to go on and be positive. When I was on the verge of giving up she was the one that taught me to see the silver lining to every dismally grey could. Cornel was always the strong silent type and although he did not speak much about matters of the heart, like most men do, he was there to offer his support when needed and always brought a realistic point of view just to remind you that the answers to the questions are actually that simple.  He always had acceptance and understanding for me no matter what. I loved them and they loved me and there was nothing that could come between us.

When I think of all the awesome times we had together I feel the tears well up inside me and wonder why. Why were these two solid, grounded and decent people taken so early from us?

 I suppose this should be a reminder to us that we are all here on borrowed time and any of us can go at any time. There is no recipe for longevity and there is no guarantee that you will see the light of day tomorrow. We so often get caught up in our hectic lives with, work projects, traffic, and schedules we often forget to just sit and admire our world and realise how truly blessed we are. When your time is finally up how would you like to be remembered? What kind of legacy would you want to leave behind? These are the questions we should be asking ourselves and really take the time to think about it before we answer.

I am not much of a believer in the afterlife and I don’t know what comes next. I do trust in the fact that it has been decided for us and that we are mere puppets on a string. However I do take comfort in the fact that they left this world together because I simply can’t imagine the one without the other. They simply completed each other on so many levels and if God or the Universe were to separate these true sole mates it would have been a true injustice.

I once saw a numerologist who explained to me that when we start out in this world we start as a perfectly formed egg. At birth the egg yolk and egg white gets separated and we basically spend the rest of our lives looking for our other half. The yolks look for their egg whites and the egg whites look for their yolks. Mariska and Cornel managed to find each other early in their lives and most of us can only dream of finding such a lasting and true love as theirs.

Though I am saddened at the thought of them not being around, and have regret about not seeing them as often as we should have. I feel so blessed and honoured and privileged to have had them in my life and that I was able to call them true friends.

Time and space might have separated us but the way I feel about you two has and will never change. I am so thankful for the time that we had together because it helped to shape me into the person I am today. Without your love support and encouragement I would not have be as blessed as I am today.

Wherever you are I hope that you are there together and that you continue share that strong bond of love and commitment you had here on earth.

With all my undying love…

Heinie