Looking Back At 2011

So when I started this blog last November it was more of a joke than anything else. I have been single for who knows how long and every time I go on a date everyone wants the full lowdown of who did what and who said what. Naturally they all look to me as the problematic one who is too demanding or too picky. So I finally could not take all the questions anymore and sent everyone a mail about my disastrous date with Mr. Italiano. I have to say that the reviews I got from my dearest darling friends was fabulous….and I was able to make everyone laugh, including myself, at my comedic dating life. Thus we saw the start of “The Ugly Truth”…

Some of the more recent posts have been very doom and gloom and not as funny as I would like it to have been but hey that is part of life. Heartbreak, death and depression are all a part of any one’s life and you have to take the good with the bad. I find it very therapeutic to write about whatever is happening in my life and if there is any way that my happiness or misfortune can help anyone out there then I gladly share my thoughts with you.

This year has been a particularly challenging year. I started the year with a few dates but sadly this Mr. Right seems to allude me all the bloody time. He is quite a sneaky bugger if you ask me.

In February I was devastated with the loss of a great and close friend. This was a first for me and I can’t recall ever having had a break down like that since my father passed away many moons ago. I don’t think that at the age of six I could completely comprehend the grieving process but now understand what the mourning process involves and that prepared me for what lied ahead later in the year. Everyone grieves in their own way and some are stronger than others. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but you need to let yourself experience the event and have closure on the matter. Instead of falling into that deep depression and staying there we all decided to celebrate Jaun’s life and we still do with every gathering. God bless you Jaun and I hope that you have eternal happiness where ever you are.

I managed to meet a cute guy in a bar and had a good chat. He turned out to be a bit of an arrogant jerk and I instead ended up going on a few dates with his friend who was at the bar that night as well. Really a very good looking model boy with a million dollar smile, but completely not my type at all. However I tried to be open minded and gave it a shot and after we did not click on the third date we parted ways and never spoke again. I see on the wonderful world of Facebook that he has a partner now and he looks so happy. That makes me happy and I wish him nothing but the best because he is an incredibly decent guy and deserves the best.

This year I started the next chapter of my book of life by turning 30… I managed to book a fantastic trip to Mauritius with some pretty awesome friends who also celebrate their birthdays around the same time and one of which also turned 30 this year. I started going for tanning sessions and well let’s just say that made for some pretty good laughs. My good friend from work decided that he would join and let’s just say there was never a dull moment with laughs and comments. Why didn’t I do this before? The trip was fantastic and exactly what I needed and wanted. I have so many great memories and pictures and can’t wait to go back. I could easily become one of those people who migrate to the island getaway on a yearly vacation. Oh and by the way the tanning sessions continued even after the trip with even more laughs.

The holiday was fantastic and I did not want to come back. Perhaps I should have stayed, because I was again shaken in my boots as we returned and I was told that two of my closest friends from high school passed away in a violent motorcycle accident.  Bitter sweet does not even begin to explain what I was feeling. Feelings of sadness, loneliness and guilt took over and I could not comprehend what was happening. In actual fact I still cant. I had not seen them in a few years and although we still remained in touch it was not as frequent as usual. Cornel would have had his birthday on the 3^rd of December and Mariska would have joined us in the dirty thirties on the 10^th of December. It still comes like a shock to me every time I think of it and I am not entirely over the sadness of this event. I am just so relieved that they did leave this world together just the way they have been for over 14 years. I simply could not imagine the one without the other and I think if one of them had remained behind it would have been a lifetime of misery that they would have led. God Bless you both and I hope that you are in a happy place and more importantly, together.

I managed to get involved with a local charity race in support of Prostate and Testicular cancer. The DaREDevil Run (www.daredevilrun.co.za) is a bunch of guys that decided it would be a good idea to go run in the streets of Johannesburg during rush hour in tiny red speedos. I never thought that it would be that much fun or that I  would actually even go through with it. At some point I think I stared death in the face and said “back off bitch”. I am clearly incredibly unfit and could not handle that 5km run very well. At least I was pretty nice and brown which was fabulous. All of us that took part decided that next year we will do it again, so best get training.

 More recently I met a boy that caught my eye. Far younger than me but still very mature and possibly an old soul like me. I had invited him with to a few friendly gatherings and things did start developing, well for me at least. There was yet again only one problem, he is involved and against my better judgment I went into this with open eyes and willingly. What makes it even worse is that he has met most of my friends and they totally love him too. For a couple of weeks I was literally on cloud 9 every day and ignored that squeaky annoying voice in the back of my head that said “hey, don’t lose focus on reality”. We had discussed what was happening and he confirmed that he was fond of me but that he was confused about what to do and that he needs time to sort it out. Right now he is on holiday with his boyfriend and I decided that there is to be no contact during this time from either of us. You would think that I would have learned my lesson after the whole three year disaster with Mr. Suburbia and his little wifey. Clearly this was not the case. The situation is more complicated than it seems and I still don’t know what I am going to do when this week is up and he is back. When you become your own worst enemy and you can justify every angle of the story, how can you possibly make a decision on what is right for you at the end of the day? I must trust in the fact that I have the experience and knowledge to make the right decision at the end of the day. My heart speaks a language I can’t interpret anymore. I want to believe that it will all be ok and that things, no matter what the outcome, will work itself out. Hope is the only thing we have to cling to but what do you do when that hope starts to slip away slowly but surely and you suddenly realise that you have no desire or will power to go through this again and again and again…

Christmas is a week away and when I look back on the year gone by I see a lot of great things that I have experienced and a lot of sadness too. I believe that the sadness makes you appreciate the good times and there is a higher power that is in charge of our destiny and we have very little say in what is going to happen. We try to control our lives to the extreme and fool ourselves into thinking that we have the power. All you are really doing is fooling yourself into the false believe that you can decide your fate. You are the only one that can make yourself happy. As for the major events that is still to come, you will have to just wait and see what life throws at you. Stop fooling yourself and get with the program! Reality always puts you back in your place to remind you that we are all just passing through.

I wish everyone of you a blessed festive season and a great new year. May your wildest dreams come true and may you eventually find those things you have been looking for.

Death and Taxes...

In loving memory of Mariska and Cornel.

There are certain things you can always count on in this world. The two that will always be constant is death and taxes. Death will always find you wherever you are; you can’t out run it or hide from it because it knows you’re every move. Taxes pretty much work the same way. Every year like clockwork you have to file your returns and hope that the tax man approves.

Tomorrow I have to say goodbye to two great people who left this world of ours so abruptly and violently. In the prime of their lives they have been taken away from all who admired, adored and loved them. I never thought that one day I would be sitting here writing this blog about these two special people. Having known both Mariska and Cornel for close to fifteen years and admiring the love they had for each other I still find it hard to believe that this is the end. They were the ultimate example of how true love can last a lifetime and that real love does exist and that you can actually live the fantasy of settling down with your high school sweetheart.

When I was at my lowest point with discovering my own sexuality and dealing with puberty Mariska was there to offer a shoulder and push me to go on and be positive. When I was on the verge of giving up she was the one that taught me to see the silver lining to every dismally grey could. Cornel was always the strong silent type and although he did not speak much about matters of the heart, like most men do, he was there to offer his support when needed and always brought a realistic point of view just to remind you that the answers to the questions are actually that simple.  He always had acceptance and understanding for me no matter what. I loved them and they loved me and there was nothing that could come between us.

When I think of all the awesome times we had together I feel the tears well up inside me and wonder why. Why were these two solid, grounded and decent people taken so early from us?

 I suppose this should be a reminder to us that we are all here on borrowed time and any of us can go at any time. There is no recipe for longevity and there is no guarantee that you will see the light of day tomorrow. We so often get caught up in our hectic lives with, work projects, traffic, and schedules we often forget to just sit and admire our world and realise how truly blessed we are. When your time is finally up how would you like to be remembered? What kind of legacy would you want to leave behind? These are the questions we should be asking ourselves and really take the time to think about it before we answer.

I am not much of a believer in the afterlife and I don’t know what comes next. I do trust in the fact that it has been decided for us and that we are mere puppets on a string. However I do take comfort in the fact that they left this world together because I simply can’t imagine the one without the other. They simply completed each other on so many levels and if God or the Universe were to separate these true sole mates it would have been a true injustice.

I once saw a numerologist who explained to me that when we start out in this world we start as a perfectly formed egg. At birth the egg yolk and egg white gets separated and we basically spend the rest of our lives looking for our other half. The yolks look for their egg whites and the egg whites look for their yolks. Mariska and Cornel managed to find each other early in their lives and most of us can only dream of finding such a lasting and true love as theirs.

Though I am saddened at the thought of them not being around, and have regret about not seeing them as often as we should have. I feel so blessed and honoured and privileged to have had them in my life and that I was able to call them true friends.

Time and space might have separated us but the way I feel about you two has and will never change. I am so thankful for the time that we had together because it helped to shape me into the person I am today. Without your love support and encouragement I would not have be as blessed as I am today.

Wherever you are I hope that you are there together and that you continue share that strong bond of love and commitment you had here on earth.

With all my undying love…

Heinie

To Tan Or Not To Tan

Life is all about experiences. Some are good and some are bad and then there are some that really bring back the humour in your life. I recently had a few like this but the most memorable one would have to be me and the “tan can”. I thought I would share this funny story with everyone to brighten their day.

Let me start at the beginning though.   This year was my big 30^th birthday and not only mine but also my great long-time friend as well. So we decided that we need to go big this year to celebrate it like there is no tomorrow. It worked out great because we would also be celebrating another friend’s birthday during the same period. So after much discussion and deliberation we decided to take a much deserved holiday to the tropical island of Mauritius. The sun, the sand the crystal clear waters, what could be better than spending time with great friends in a perfectly relaxed setting like this. The plans were hatched and the trip was booked all that remained now was to pack and get into holiday mode.

However with me things are never that simple… One morning while dressing for work I noticed a blinding light coming from the mirror in front of me. At first I was afraid, I was petrified but then I realised that the blinding light was the glow of my pale white flesh after a long cold winter. As you can imagine this was a serious stumbling block for me and my enjoyment in paradise. I could just see the people on the beach running frantically in different directions to hide from the light. This was not going to work and I needed to make a plan and do it very quickly. I looked at spray tans but those make me very nervous as I would really not like to look like a distant cousin of the orange family. So I went on the look for alternatives like sunbed, or as I like to call it hell in a box. If you have ever gone for one of those sessions you will know what I mean. At the time though I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. During a conversation with a friend at worked he recommended a place and turns out that he was also keen on going to get some colour on him. This was perfect as I really did not feel like doing this alone, so we made the booking and went for it.

The first session is always the most important as this lays the foundation for your tan lines and also exposes you to the wholes experience if you’re new to it. I wish someone had been kind enough to inform me of this critical point. Me being the over eager beaver that I am, stripped down to my underwear, sprayed some tanning oil and jumped in to the tan can. In hindsight I should have paid more attention to where I was spraying the tanning oil, or more importantly where I was not spraying.  In the first few seconds of roasting myself I decided that my underwear was why to high up and pulled them down slightly thus exposing my pale, unoiled flesh to the grill. At first I thought nothing of this and did my full ten minutes. When I got out I looked red all over but that was mainly from the heat. By the time I was walking to my car my mid-section was screaming at me. I got home and took a hot shower which was excruciating. You see not only did I move my underwear and not spray the lotion in that area but I also missed a very large section on my back and my thighs. The back was not the worst but the midsection resulted in me not being able to walk or sit properly for at least 4 days. Upon further investigation of my back I found that I did spray parts of my back but neglected to rub the lotion in over the entire area. As a result of that I was left with perfectly round white patches on my back where I had actually sprayed and the rest was a bright red. The first thing that came to mind was: “You look like a freaking cheetah”.

My friend had the same problem I had and turns out we both missed the plot completely when it came to this tanning thing. We decided that with the next session we would double check each other and make sure there is lotion everywhere but of course the damage had been done and we both had the cheetah spots on our backs. We went for a few more sessions to try and get it right but it made no difference. The only sure thing that came out of this was the hysterical laughter from both of us as we examined each other’s wounds.

I ended up going to the lovely island paradise with my spots in the hopes that the natural tanning method used for millenniums would help but as of this morning’s examination in the mirror I found that even though slightly faded the spots remain. I did manage to get a great tan all over while in paradise so it’s not all doom and gloom and I think the spots have grown on me, it definitely does add character to my back…

So if you do decide to go for the tan, make sure you apply the lotion properly, you might end up releasing that inner cheetah if you don’t…

The Online Demon

Internet dating is clearly not the way to go even in this modern day and age. I have been a slave to the internet romance generation for the longest time and now I think my eyes have finally opened.

Naturally it has been fun and I have had loads of adventures but I am still no closer to finding something real or substantial that will last longer than the few hours of boring online chatting. It has become so routine and predictable. Always the same questions, the opening one liners and the mindless chatter about absolutely nothing that matters. The only thing that you can count on is stunning profile pictures of beautiful boys that look like they stepped of a magazine cover. Profiles that sum up the basics and the good qualities that hook you into a long boring conversation about them and their gym schedules and how they want more out of live. All they really want is a show piece on their arm to make them look good.

You see up until recently I was all about what I can offer them and how could I make them interested in me?  You end up putting so much pressure on yourself that you inevitably freeze and have no response for whatever lame ass question was posed. In actual fact the question should be what are these potentially charming knights in shining armour able to offer me? I’m a pretty decent catch even if I say so myself. More importantly I have loads to offer and why in the hell wouldn’t you want to be in a relationship with me? So I did the only thing a normal person would do, I deleted all the profiles I had. Believe it or not there were five of them. How did I manage to get five of them without even noticing? How did I let this happen? The simple answer is that I let it get out of control and consume my life. One profile was clearly not enough for my Virgo nature. I had to increase the odds by making myself more accessible and hopefully in doing so I would get the dream match. The highest compatibility match I got on the website was a 98%. Now you would think that that is a brilliant score and that Mr Right was just a mouse click away. However he turned out to be some odd looking fellow that had really nothing of an interesting or important nature to share.  I had become just another statistic that was as fake and computer generated as the next guy. How on earth are you going to find the man of your dreams by answering a few cleverly phrased questions and leaving your fate in the care of some mainframe somewhere in the world? Artificial intelligence is great but I am sorry to say that we are not nearly at the point where we can willingly rely on a machine to determine who we like or not. Where is the romance and the flair in that? Where is the bold gesture of love and where oh where is the excitement and joy that comes with finding that guy you like?

Granted in today’s fast paced lifestyles you would think that internet dating is the best way to meet that dreamy Prince Charming but in this fairy tale there are only frogs and definitely no Prince’s. It is such a relieve not to feel that pressure to get home and switch on to one or other dating site to see who has bothered to look at your profile or who has sent you a message. Finding the right guy should be about spending time together and falling in love. It shouldn’t be about hooking up online and chatting about the size of your bank account or your dick. It should be about getting butterflies when you go on a date and being excited to see that person again. Dating online might be great in certain aspects if you are a statistical junky but there is no way that a computer can substitute chemistry and sparks. That, you won’t find online. The only way you find that is to chat to a real human being in real life and not in the cyber continuum where, sorry to say, you are just another pretty face and a user name.

Dating is about having fun. You need to enjoy the experience and you need to sort through the garbage to get to the good stuff. You need to have real conversations with real people and based on that and that alone you should move on or decide to pursue the possibilities with that person. Chatting online for two weeks simply can’t even begin to compare to the thrill of holding hands on the second date or getting a great good night kiss at the end of the evening. Sending pictures back and forth is simply not as great as seeing the person in real life and enjoying them in 3D. You see no matter how much we fake it online and try to put our best foot forward eventually reality has to catch up with you when you meet. So why prolong the torture for weeks on end by exchanging emails, text messages and IM’s? Rather meet the guy and then decide if you want to take it further.

The greatest problem with the gay world today is that we are all waiting for the “other” guy to make the first move. Honey, grow some big hairy ones and take a stand. Don’t hold back and don’t let it slip through your fingers.  If it goes badly then at least you tried, as difficult as it is for a pessimist like me to admit it. Eventually you will get over it and little bits of your soul will start to come back slowly but surely and when you look back at it you will laugh and wonder why you made such a fuss. That’s the risk you take. Just imagine what the benefits would be if it does pay off. Love and romance and all those pretty things are out there. I have seen it and I have experienced it, even if only for a second. It’s worth putting yourself out there and taking that risk. Love is not an appointment, it’s not a deadline, it’s a thrill of a life time and it can’t be rushed. The greatest love of all is the one that takes its time to develop and mature. I know what you’re thinking and that you are probably feeling a little nauseous round about now but you know that I am right. You’re even a little curious in testing out my theories. Why be curious? Go on and do it, the only thing you have to lose is time and that is the one thing you will never get back…

Delete those profiles and start talking to real people in the here and now. Make that connection, as painful and scary as it may seem, you want to have that believe me. You can’t begin to understand love until you have lost it, and that is something that no website will ever be able to calculate or match up.

Enjoy your journey; it’s the only one you’ve got so make the most of it.

Friendship vs. Relationship…

I think this is probably one of the most debated and discussed topics when it comes to dating in the real world. Many of the older generations will attest to the fact that your lover should be your best friend and that you can’t build a lasting relationship without having that friendship to start with.

I tend to agree with them because the people who make these statements are in happy committed relationships. Your partner should be your best friend and the one you share your life with. I mean after all it does make sense that you would want to spend all your time with your best friend and not have that companionship. But the real question is how do you find this and if you have found your friend how do you make the transition from friend to lover? In a world where human interaction is on the decline and social networking on the web is on the incline how do you actually spend enough one on one time with people to build these relationships.

There are various deviants and perverts out there that just want one thing from you and you know that once they have gotten it it’s all over and they move on to the next one. In the wise words of Samantha from Sex and the City: “The bad guys screw you, the good guys screw you and the rest of them don’t know how to screw you. Trust me I’ve done the leg work”. I find that this sums up a number of things in the dating world. It does make the outlook on the future a bit bleak though.

But let’s say that you have this good friend and that there is some attraction there. The dilemma that you are sitting with now is as follows. Do you take it to the next level i.e.: romantic, or do you keep things the way they are and hope that someday things will work itself out. The risk is that you take the step in that direction and that your advances is met with stiff opposition… not the kind of “stiff” that you are thinking about, but rather the “stiff” that could mean the end of your friendship. The alternative is that you wait for things to happen naturally and then miss the opportunity and somebody else takes the chance and you lose out. Perhaps you are great friends and if there is no romantic way forward your friendship is able to survive. But what if your friendship can’t survive? Are you willing to lose a friend over something like this? Some people say it is better to have tried and lost than not to have tried at all. I honestly don’t know if that is the right answer. Would you not rather have the friendship than nothing at all? On a lighter note though you could have much success in your quest, and that is what we all hope for. I personally have not been in a situation where a friendship has turned to romance but I have been told that it is awesome and that it’s worth a try. Let’s face it love can’t be found on the internet or in a club. The internet is filled with people who misrepresent themselves by publishing photo shopped pictures showing their best angles and giving brief statements about themselves that only sums up their greatest qualities. The clubs are filled with lonely desperate people that are highly intoxicated and the day after you always find yourself wondering what you were thinking and how drunk you actually were in the first place.

The best way to find that someone special is to have that one on one connection and build on it. There is no amount of clubbing or internet dating that will bring that your way unfortunately. Having said that where do you find nice dateable gay guys these days? I sure as hell don’t know and if there is something that I have missed please do enlighten me. Sex is easy to find and it’s readily available around every corner. The challenge is to find the one that you want can settle down with and have that committed relationship with. I have said it before and I will say it again, you have to kiss a good couple of frogs to find your prince. Trust me I have kissed a lot of frogs but none of them have turned into princes yet, but here’s hoping for the future.

In short you have to find your best friend that you have that spark or click with and then build on it from there. There will be no guarantees and there will be risks involved but the reward will make it worth it in the end. If it does not work out or the friendship is not meant to evolve into something more then so be it. Don’t beat yourself up over it, you can’t win them all and the best way to look to the future is to dust yourself off and try again, just make better choices the second time around.

Happy hunting….

The Young and the Restless

There is not one person that can say that they have not been intrigued or attracted to the young ones. I mean what is not to like, they are hot well-built and have hours of stamina that needs to be released. The down side is of course the fact that there is generally not that much in terms of maturity. And the only way you get maturity is through life experience, and if your 20 then you have not experienced nearly enough.  Remember this is the Ugly Truth and I tell it like it is.

Not that I am old but I remember what I was like when I was 20. Your hormones rage all the time and all you can think about is “getting off” and doing it as much as possible. The sky is the limit. Statistically a man reaches his sexual peak between 20 and 25 so this is the best but also the most confusing time in your life. You get aroused just thinking about sex and you become a pro at hiding the happy in your pants in public.

Well lately I have found myself staring quite a bit at the younger ones and at first I was slightly freaked out because that is just perverse isn’t it? I am way too young to be a sugar daddy but still too old to be classified as a young one.  The clubs are filled with beautiful boys that are hot, hung and ready for action and this is really where the sexual predators take advantage and flash the cash and credit cards. When you’re young status is very important and the only thing you want is to be older and have the great cars and the jobs and live in the penthouse. So when you get a sugar daddy that is willing to flash the cash you think that you are in heaven and that you have arrived. All you have to do is to service the old fart every now and put a smile on your face while doing it. But I am not the sugar daddy and I have too much of a conscience to ever pull that kinda crap on someone. However having said that I did manage to have a very hot encounter with a very young (20 year old) guy the other night. He is much more sorted than your average 20 year old and rather mature for a young one. Much like I was at that age. He was under no assumption that this would be anything more than a roll in the hay and he preferred it that way.  Well let me tell you I had trouble keeping up. He was quite the fiery one and tones of stamina and creativity. We thoroughly enjoyed each other and afterwards had a great chat over a glass of ice tea and a siggie. I can confirm without a doubt that the red head species really are very passionate lovers. My word I was exhausted and for about two days after my body was still sore…lol

Needless to say there is no long term potential but I started wondering, is it not just simpler to have a regular intimate partner rather than complicate your life with guys who have jealousy issues and inferiority complex syndrome. They want to check up on you all the time and blow their tops if you so much as look at another guy. These young guys don’t have that much baggage to begin with and all they really want to do is explore the new sexual frontiers with you. Is that so bad? If you are both consenting adults that knowingly enter into such transactions then I don’t see the issue with enjoying each other’s company and bodies.  I am by no means saying that I am going to jump in the sack with every young boy that I can, that is stupid and just down right reckless but I am intrigued by the idea of having a toy boy that will keep you young and on your toes.  I am not big on the club scene but have had some great times lately in the club by chance and I was fascinated by how the club vibe has changed since I was a 20 year old. Its fun and not as snobbish as I remember it. Yes you still have your muscle queens and you will always have them and you also have your “in your face” drama queens but the rest seem quite normal and if you saw them walking down the street you would never know they were gay. That is my type of guy! Just because your gay does not mean that you have to go running down the street with a tutu and fairy wings with a big pink sign that says I’M GAY!!! The normal straight boy next door look is very much in this season.

So my dear friends and readers you have the right to make your own decisions and choices. I am simply saying that I am interested in exploring the younger guys further and will chalk this up to a very useful life experience.  

So for now lets see where this experiment leads and what it brings my way…

Bon Voyage….

For Jaun…

Its tough loosing someone you love. Even if you know it is coming due to prolonged illness it still takes you buy surprise and you can never really prepare yourself for what comes next. But in reality you find comfort in the fact that the person is in a better place and that they are no longer suffering. The pain slowly goes away and life returns back to normal while you keep a very warm and close picture or memory of that person with you always.

But reality unfortunately also deals us some heavy blows from time to time. When people that you love dearly are suddenly and abruptly taken away from you it really makes it hard to cope and deal with it. We never anticipate that at any moment anyone of us can be plucked from this life and leave so much heartache and pain behind. These are the times that we find it difficult to understand how God can be so cruel and insensitive.

I have lost a very good friend in recent weeks and even though I thought that by now the pain and the tears would be better it still hits me every now and then and I am shocked and horrified by the reality of it all. An unfortunate case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and so many lives are shattered.

Jaun was a clown always. He could always make me laugh with a silly comment or a joke. He always had a smile on his face and always tried to be the funny man. He was extra hysterical when he got drunk as he always had weird and insightful topics of discussion that he could dissect and analyse for hours. But the fact of the matter is that he was a good honest guy with his flaws but he touched so many lives. The sad thing about it was that he saw himself as the loneliest person on the plant. He so wanted to find that girl and settle down and now he will never experience the joys that come with that. I believe that God has a plan for all of us and that perhaps he had other intentions with Juan’s life but it still does not make the heartache any better.

Its times like this where people say that he has been saved and that he does not have to go through the pain and suffering of life on earth but its also times like this where I want to be selfish and keep the people that are close to me for always.

Juan and I had so much in common and we could relate to so much and I guess that is why this is so hard for me to accept and move on. We were both looking for that someone special and to make our mark on the world by standing on our own two feet. He was always willing to lend a hand or make you laugh with a silly comment. I will miss his laughter and his jokes. I will miss finding him on the couch passed out at a party or even on a few occasions on my bed. I will miss taking silly photos of him when he was in a playful mood. I will miss hearing his voice and the hugs we’d give each other to say hi or goodbye. I will miss his chicken casserole with just a little too much white wine that tasted just a bit to sour… I will miss joining him on the jumping castle with the kids and bouncing around for hours and feeling like an old man bruised and battered afterwards. I will miss the wrestling matches where I always had to try and show I am stronger but never could. Most of all I will miss watching him play with Zuan or consoling him and wiping his tiers when he cries.

No matter how rough your exterior could be at times your heart was good and solid Jaun. And now I can only hope that the sorrow and loneliness that you felt so often is gone and that you are surrounded with love and peace and happiness and that you have found what you so desperately looked for here on earth.

Today would have been your birthday and I would have loved to be able to phone you and wish you well for the years to come. But you’re gone and I can’t wish you well. I can only pray that you are in heaven looking down on us and that you are happy forevermore.

All my love… we miss you so much…

Embracing the Future…

There comes a time in everyone’s life where you sit and evaluate and take stock of things. This generally occurs around the beginning of the year, around your birthday or when something important and perhaps traumatic happens in your life.

Its strange and sad that we only do this evaluation when something special or different happens. We should be doing this everyday of our lives without question and without delay. I have been sitting and taking stock for some months now and there are changes that need to be made.

This year is going to be different and I can feel it. Things feel different and new and fresh and its not just because its only the 20^th of January but I can feel this is the year of possibilities. Although right now at this exact moment things are a bit tough for me and I am not exactly where I want to be, I’m still keeping my eyes locked on the bigger picture. I have suddenly and abruptly realised that I am getting older and I am getting more mature. I am less and less concerned about what people think of me and I am becoming more aware of what I want and what makes me happy. I want to be successful, I want the lifestyle and I want all the bells and whistles that go with it. At the end of the day we are in control of our own happiness and it is up to us to make sure that we are happy with our life and our progress. If you’re not happy with your life then get off your ass and make a change. It’s never too late or too early to change your circumstance and as the wise one’s say “obstacles are the things you see when you take your eyes of the goal”…

Love would be a benefit, but you know what? It’s not a prerequisite at all. If it comes along then great and if now is not the right time then so be it. There is a clear reason why it has not found me and when I’m ready it will come. In 2010 I discovered new things about myself in the love department. I discovered that I can distinguish between sex and love. I discovered that sometimes its great to let your hair down and I discovered that it’s perfectly normal to say no to an indecent proposal if you’re not that keen to do it.

Yes having Mr. Perfect by my side would be great but as a wise person in my life wrote recently “life does not begin when you are part of a couple…” Life continues and it hopefully gets better but you have already started and you have so much that you can do right now, why wait for your so called other half to show up and make you complete. You are complete the way you are and all you actually need is someone that compliments you and that you compliment.

I am taking on new challenges this year. I am looking toward my future and although I am scared that it’s too late I still have a voice way back in the dark passages of my mind that says: “it’s never too late…” I am going to educate myself, I am going to find that thing that makes me happy and I am going to achieve all my goals this year.

I am definitely going to do more hard labour. I love creating and I love completing something that I can see, touch and smell. I have learned that I can do all the things that a normal straight guy can do and I can in most cases do it better. The sky is the limit and as 2011 starts I can see that things are going to happen this year. There will be ups and there will be downs as with any other year but it is going to be a year that will jump start the next chapter of my life.

Turning 30 this year used to make me hyperventilate and feel the need to grab a paper bag. I refused to think about it and kept avoiding myself when the topic came up in my mind. But in recent months I have completely changed my view on that. I can’t wait to get older and more mature. I want to grow and I want to develop and that you can only do with age and experience and maturity.

So here is to me embracing the new dawn and appreciating everything that it holds, good and bad…

Love you all…