Clingy, Needy, Desperate. Or Is It…

Hey all its your favourite undercover reporter here… Been so busy studying my subject, Heini, and not to mention the busy social life that I have. Party, party, party all the way. But I am back with an exclusive report on the dating life of the fabulously, gorgeous  Heini.

So last time I gave you a report it was about that horrible little Italian man that took Heini for more than just one ride. Again I must say that the combination of a one night stand, a short man and an Italian was just a recipe for a disaster. Well sisters I am happy to report that the Italian is ancient history and believe me that he will not be returning to feature in Heini’s dating schedule.

So since the “Italian Job” there has not been that much action in his dating life. He has been keeping a fairly low profile and just chatting to a few interesting characters online. They all basically want is the same thing but there are some that have a bit more intellect than your average “no stings” bunnies that just want to hop in and out. One in particular seemed promising and that there could be some possibilities for a few good dates and who knows a bit more.

So there he was chatting up a storm one Sunday afternoon with a very charming and fairly attractive young guy from the East Rand. We all know how that the East Rand has a reputation for being a bit common but hey the guy seemed nice and I have met quite a few people form the area that are actually rather pleasant. This is all just speculation and the area is not that bad at all.

They chatted about their favourite foods, what they like to do in their free time and what they do for a living.

Heini was rather impressed as this guy was just too good to be true. He asked all the right questions and gave all the right answers. He even told him about the straight guy situation and the guy was absolutely fine with it. He simply replied that it’s fine and that it is in the past, all that matters is the future. Well my word my flamboyant gentlemen the man is a rock star. What a pleasure. Heini agreed and it did not take long for numbers to be exchanged.  So after a good couple of messages Heini was rather content with himself and went to bed with a smile on his face.

Well it did not stop there. The next day Heini got messages throughout asking how his day was and how things were going. This continued throughout the week and it was such an awesome experience to have that kind of communication for a change. A complete 360 degree turn around from the usual communication from the fags. They did not manage to set up a meeting in that first week due to both their hectic schedules but the communication was flowing. He even asked Heini if he can call him to just hear his voice. How sweet was that? Who would not want a guy like that, someone who actually wants to talk to you? But there comes a point where there is such a thing as overkill. Constant communication is a bit of a challenge when you have an actual job that needs your undivided attention and Heini draws the line where you have to constantly respond to one-liner messages throughout the day. And heaven forbid that you don’t respond in the first five minutes because then you get a message asking what’s wrong or why are you not responding.

Heini was still willing to give this a shot though and thought that even though this might be a bit of overkill; this might in fact be what he was waiting for. So the date was set for the Friday night. Heini would go the gentleman suitor’s house where a lovely meal would be cooked and some drinks would be shared. But mister wanted a bit more from the night clearly. He was very insistent that Heini spend the night as it would be so convenient and its way to far to drive home so late at night. Sure and I am the Madonna… So after the 20^th message in the space of 24 hours Heini started to feel slightly annoyed and not so into this guy. And when mister replied saying that if he does not sleep over they should rather postpone the date until a time when he can sleep over. Well that was just the deal breaker and sent that ship sinking into the abyss. Much like the Titanic after hitting the iceberg, and boy that message was absolutely the iceberg for Heini. So he duly responded saying that the postponement was acceptable, but in a more dull and annoyed tone and less words.

What really took this matter to the next level was the response that came from sir. The message read something to the effect of: This is now the second time you are cancelling the date and he wants to know if there is someone else in Heini’s life because he gets that impression. OH MY WORD… can you be any more needy and psychotic. The first time the date was cancelled as neither of them could make it. The response that came next from Heini was not pretty but straight to the point. At this stage it was irrelevant if there was someone else in his life and the fact that he wants him to stay over at his house was not negotiable. For the record there is no one else in Heini’s life but like I said that is irrelevant because this was only a first date and there have been no commitments or confessions of undying love yet.  

Needless to say that there was no communication after this little incident. Heini was rather shocked at the situation but having survived The Straight One, The Cheetah and the Italian Job there really should not be much that surprises him any more.

The bottom line is that yes you want that someone special in your life. You want to have a message at some point in the day just to see how you are. You want to have that late afternoon call to say “Hey I just wanted to hear your voice”. All of this comes with time and it really needs to develop into that relationship. When you jump right in like that and overwhelm the person like that from the start you are going to set yourself up for failure. Just look at the whole fiasco with The Cheetah that Heini went through. Overkill is alive and well people and often happens when you have been so alone and single for so long that you really just want to spend all your time with that person. Your intentions are pure and you don’t mean to overwhelm this person but you find yourself helpless to stop the vicious cycle of annoying messages and the need for constant validation. Heini has gone through this, believe me, and having been on the receiving end of that now has really opened his eyes to the world of dating and given more perspective on the do’s and don’ts. You want to find that balance where you can show the person that you are interested but not to the point where you confess your undying love on the second date.

My personal opinion, which Heini also shares, is that when it is real and when it is pure none of this matters. It all simply falls perfectly into place…patience is the key.

Well my queerlings, fag hags and straighties, until we meet again or until the next crises unfold look after your self’s…

And remember… happy hunting…

Dating In The Real World…

Dating in this day and age is brutal. You have so much to contend with and if you’re not careful you could easily loose yourself in the madness of it all. There are tonnes of useless etiquette that everyone tries to imprint in your head. Absolute and utter nonsense that might have worked for someone at one stage but really does not mean anything to you. Most of my straight friends tries to give me advise on do’s and don’ts on dates but there is one critical part of the equation that they are forgetting… I’m gay!

Gay dating is much more complex in many different ways than straight dating will ever be. In the straight world there will be some wooing and some flirting and if you have a penis and she has a vagina then generally you are open to go in for the kill. This typically happens in a bar or in a night club. You dance a little and then maybe chat a bit and if you’re lucky you get a kiss and then a phone number. You occasionally have the odd one night stand and then move on to the next one. Wait doesn’t that sound a lot like the gay world? In fact that actually describes a whole range of dating situation in any country around the world.

Dating around the world is pretty much the same. There is always the initial stage of courting and then the moving in to seal the deal. In the gay world though I have found there to be a few more complexities that really can take the wind out of your sails completely. Lets say you spot a guy that your interested in. You smile you act all coy and shy and lets suppose you work up the courage to go over there and make the first move. He gives you the look and completely shuts you down in less than 20 seconds. That is brutal and in some cases extremely cruel. It completely shatters your self esteem and does nothing in terms of a moral boost. Gay guys are so superficial and image conscious that if he decides that you he does not like the shoes that you are wearing, he will completely shut down and block you out. Yes my dears’ shoes can be a deal breaker for most of my queer sisters. You then retreat to a safe zone like internet dating but only to find that it is even more ferocious out there. Almost all the profiles on the dating site have either some body part that is extremely well developed like a bicep or a chest. The rest all have penis profiles because that is really all they have to offer. And the remainder of the profiles? Well these you really don’t want to get to know because they are the villagers that no one talks about.

For the past two weeks I have been chatting to a fairly decent guy that I met online. He made the first move and contacted me online and we eventually exchanged numbers to chat some more. He is a professional guy, fairly young, but you can tell that he is a dedicated person. Or can you? But none the less he seems decent. We have called each other and chatted about various topics and he sounds really honest and normal. Due to both of our hectic schedules we have not set up a meet yet but we have finally committed to doing the first date tomorrow. I am not in the slightest bit nervous and not really expecting much either. In fact at this point in time it just seems like a lot of unnecessary work again. You have to go out there and sell yourself, just like a used car salesman would. If you were used car salesman how would you sell yourself? My sales pitch would be something to the effect of: Moderate mileage, a few bumps and scrapes but engine in good condition, on board computer tends to over load at times but you won’t have too many problems rebooting it. Understandably if we all sold ourselves like this we would surely not close any deals or make any money. So what is the best way to prepare for that dreaded first date? Do you ref yourself up to make you feel and look like the most awesome confident man ever? Do you tone it down and act like the cool down to earth guy that everybody likes, or do you just act too cool for comfortable like nothing in the world would ever bother you?

The general consensus is that you just be yourself. Be the person that you are everyday and show what you are mad up of. But honestly speaking how many of us can actually say that we are ourselves on these dates. Naturally you will dress for the occasion because you want to make a good impression. So if you’re anything like me you have to be realistic and understand that you don’t always look like a supermodel and that some days you are just comfortable in your scruffy shorts and vest. Then you talk about your good qualities which are sometimes very far removed from reality and you find yourself wonder where the hell these words are coming from. In short we put our best foot forward to make that good impression because, first impressions last. The real test of any date is what happens on the second date. Do you still put your best foot forward or do your true colours shine? Let me tell you I have had quite a few exceptionally good first dates but when it comes to the second date the atmosphere simply changes for the worst. You discover qualities about the person that you never though they could have and you suddenly find your self wondering what you saw in the person in the first place.

So in my mind I have already started prepping myself for the date tomorrow. What will I wear, how will I act and what will I say? It is important to prepare for anything but is there something like preparing too much and can you over think things to the point where you set yourself up for failure? I believe the answer is yes. You need to be cool, calm and collected and be yourself. It is better to be upfront about these things than leave it for a later. When you have nothing, you have nothing to loose. So what if the date does not go well? Will you cry and crawl under a rock and stay there for the rest of your life? No you will pick yourself up and move one. One bad date should not break your spirit or your energy. If anything it should bring you closer to understanding and knowing what it is that you really want. Knowledge is power and with that knowledge you can open doors and move mountains.

So I am going on this date tomorrow to see what lies ahead. What is the worst that could happen? We could have nothing to say to each other or we could just not have that spark that you need to get things started. Either way it will make for an interesting story that I will surely be writing about. Life is after all a journey and you should enjoy every moment of it so that you can live to tell the tale.

Until we chat again. Bon Voyage  

The First Time…

When you’re young you think that you know everything and that you are invincible. As you get older you start to realise that you know absolutely nothing and that you will never know everything. But the trick is that as you get older you really don’t stress so much about it anymore because you are comfortable with knowing only what you need to know.

Take fashion for instance. When I was a teenager bordering on the early twenties I thought that I had all the answers and that I was the most awesome snappy dresser in the world. When I look back at pictures of me at that stage of my life or think of certain outfits I wore back then I can only laugh and hang my head in shame. Whatever made me think that those colours or that those fabrics would work together at all? Thank goodness for the evolution and advancement of society. Having said that, I am sure that in 10 years from now all of us will look back at this time of our lives and think the same thing. It’s a vicious cycle. Just look at the 80’s, with its stove pipe jeans, wild hair with mud flaps and all, oversized shoulder pads and more. At the time it was awesome and stunning but looking back at it now we think WTF was I thinking…

At the end of the day we were daring and adventurous and we went bold and beautiful with style and flair.

All of this also applies to our dating lives. I can instantly think of at least five guys that I have dated or had a fling with in my early years that was absolutely horrifying when I actually think about it. Not that I can remember all their names but I do remember my first sexual encounter and that was most definitely not so glamorous or sexy as they make it sound or look on TV. It was on my second trip to a gay club ever and oh gosh I was just totally in heaven the entire time. I was still coming to terms with the fact that I was gay and that I liked boys way too much. So my first real gay friend took me to an extremely well known and popular club where all the queers hanged out. I was just so overwhelmed with it all that I just wanted more and more. It was like a drug that your hooked on, heroin or coke. Imagine me a 15 year old straight boy, horny as hell, like all 15 year olds are, going through puberty and discovering your sexuality. Now add the gayness and you have a ticking time boy. You just look at a guy and you instantly get a boner. So unleash the wild child in the playpen and he is bound to find a friend or two.

As luck would have it I managed to score on the second visit to the club. It was quite by chance and if perhaps I had made notes at the time I could have replicated the manoeuvres and maybe managed to snag a good guy a very long time ago. But oh I never listened to myself back then why start now.

Gerhard was his name and when I think about it now he was so not my type at all. Granted he was tall but he was blond with an almost late 90’s bop. He did have incredibly beautiful blue eyes. It was late in the night, around midnight or 1am and we were going to leave soon anyway. So while hanging out on the wooden benches outside with the rest of the queer folk this guy caught my eye. I looked over a few times and was smitten. He was looking back at me just as hard but I was not going to make the first move at all. At one point he waved at me and I returned the wave. There was some smiles and winks and the then gestured that I come over. Me being the naïve little queerling, I looked around to make sure he was pointing at me which he found rather amusing. So after gathering my up all my courage I minced my way over there. We finally introduced ourselves and started chatting.  Turns out that he did not wave at me and he was only having a wild conversation with his friends. I felt like such a boob but it was a good pick up now that I think about it. To this day I cannot recall what the rest of the conversation was like. All I remember is that he was good looking and paying loads of attention to me. He was charming and confident and I was giggling like a typical school girl. And while I am writing this I am having visions of Ugly Betty in the first few episodes of the show which is basically what I think I resembled at the time. He was 23, or so he said and I was 16, or so I said. I was actually only 15 but 16 sounded much cooler. So the conversation progressed and then naturally the predator moved in on his prey. Now you have to understand that at this stage of my life I was totally confused, not much has changed by the way, and I had just come out of the closet. So I was scared shitless and excited at the same time. This was basically an experiment for me to see if this “gay thing” was just a phase or if it was more than that.

The most memorable moment of the night and of my life so far was without a doubt the first kiss that we had. By this stage we had moved closer and he had his arm around me. It was rather chilly that night so he attempted to keep me warm but my hormones and the blood that was rushing through my veins were doing a pretty good job already. There was a moment of silence and a long stare into each others eyes. He leaned in and I just knew what was coming next. I was so nervous and I just cant help but laugh when I think of it now. That old saying about lighting bolts and earth moving is absolutely true and the moment our lips touched I swear I heard angels singing. The sparks flew and I was way higher than cloud nine. The first kiss only lasted a few seconds but it felt like an eternity. I honestly can’t remember how long we were there but the kissing was with out a doubt the highlight of the evening. We ended up back in the club in the “darkroom” where things got hot and heavy but highly awkward and uncomfortable. It was horrible and pathetic but still hysterical at the same time. The whole event probably did not last more than ten minutes and it was really nothing to write about but it was the experience of a lifetime and something that I will never forget. It was a turning point in my life and probably the exact point where I knew that this is who I am and that is what I wanted. After the whole episode I walked him to his car, I gave him my number and we said good bye. There was more kissing and to this day still I am still a sucker for a good kisser. As he drove off with his friends I was smiling from ear to ear and in complete ecstasy. The fact that I had lost my friend in the crowd and had no lift home did not even bother me at all.

I headed back into the club hopping and skipping to look for my friend. It felt like everyone was looking at me and knew what I had just done, it felt great. After looking through the club for my friend with no luck I eventually decided to call my sister to come fetch me around 2am.

As I was standing there on that street corner waiting for her to fetch me I kept replaying every second of the night in my head and just could not wipe that silly grin off my face.

When my sister and her then boyfriend picked me up I found it hard to control my self and not smile all the way home but I just sat very quietly in the back minding my own business.  Luckily they did not require much explanation for the reasons that led to me being stranded at the club.

Lets face it people nobody has a great first time. And be honest it is unrealistic to expect a awesome magical first time because you don’t know what the hell your doing. You need the experience and the practice to become the best at any task, so of course this applies to sex too.

Appreciate your first time and love it for its purity and innocence. The fact that you were a novice once is adorable and it only makes it more hysterical. When you are having a crap day that just wont quit just slip this thought in your head and let the laughter roll.

We are unique and we are awesome in our own way. These experiences we go through in life is what makes us who we are. It makes for great dinner parties and braai’s and drunken conversation.

Until next time…

I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do… Or Do I?…

So we all know that finding a great man to settle down with is more difficult than finding a stylish pair of shoes that are both beautiful and comfortable. Not only is it difficult to find a husband to marry and settle down with in the straight world but in the gay world its even more impossible. The movie title Mission Impossible comes to mind.

The gay world is so superficial and loaded with testosterone how could anyone find a guy that will be happy with going to bed with you every night and waking up with you every morning. All most of them want to do is bang you senseless and move on to the next victim. Not only is it cheap to jump from bed to bed but it is also dangerous with the dreaded HIV monster out there. Even if you’re being safe in bed, how safe are you. There is an entire catalogue of dreaded infections and viruses to choose from if you’re the village bicycle that everyone takes for a ride.  Not to mention the wear and tear you will go through. I am the kind of paranoid person that will worry about things like that even if I know I did nothing to worry about. The Italian was a bit of a wake up call for me and although I don’t go jumping from one bed to the other every night for me it was a sign that things could be heading to a place where I don’t want to be.

I want to settle down and have the little perfect house in the perfect suburb with the stereotypical white picket fence. Maybe even punch out a couple of kids, with a hell of a lot of effort and a major miracle, but you guys get what I am saying. Yes it is great to be single and have fun with various partners, to be independent and free. But that is no way to live at the end of the day, we are here to meet our soul mates and share our lives with that someone special.

Since gay marriage was legalised in SA there has been very little news or reporting on any of the progress for gay people anywhere. And again with all the sluts around in the gay world I don’t think anyone has really paid attention to the fact that you can now give your wiener to one person every night and still love them unconditionally in the morning. Gay men are particularly unfaithful and if there is going to be any commitments then it is a major deal. For the most part it is about who has the greatest pecks, most awesome abs and biggest dick. All of these are major factors in any gay mans life. Which is fine if your 20 and hung. But when you get to age 30 and you look at your life and realise that you have spent 10 years stuffing around with losers and that you have not really given any thought to the fact that you don’t want to keep jumping from bed to bed but that you actually want to commit for live. You are not going to have those boyish good looks for ever and you wont always have a monster erection that will put most straight men to shame.

The question really is that if you as a gay man say I Do…is that really what you mean and have you really listened to those marriage vows you just uttered? Can you as a gay man really say I do and be devoted and faithful forever? Do you understand the long term implications of your decisions and are you ready for such a major step in your life? So often in the straight world you find people that choose to get married for the wrong reasons and you can bet your ass that it will be more frequent in the gay world. Even thought we gay guys are so complex and superficial for the most part we all yearn for love and attention and commitment, whether we admit it or not. It is only normal and it is part of being human. I think that the main problem is that we are so shielded and defensive and have our guard up all the time that we really don’t let ourselves experience love in its truest form. News flash girly boys, sex is not love. We try to keep ourselves from getting hurt and try to protect ourselves but instead of putting ourselves out there and opening up to the possibilities we probably miss hundreds of opportunities.

Call me old fashioned, call me naïve, call me whatever you want but I think that love is about being so totally connected to that person that you could not imagine live without him. Looks are irrelevant and so are the pecks and abs. Love is a soul connection and really is about being with your soul mate. You are meant to be with that person and although life has a strange way of teaching you lessons, and everything that you have gone through in your life up to this point is for a reason. I don’t know what the reason is and I struggle on a daily basis to find meaning just like every other gay man but perhaps the reason is that you need to go through the ugly parts to get to the good stuff. Maybe that will make you appreciate the good stuff even more. Maybe that is what will make you want to be committed and devoted to that one person for live.

I don’t have the answers and I certainly do not have access to the book of life, believe me I have looked and tried to Google it. Oh but by the way please do go and Google the word “Blap”… Freaking hysterical. But seriously, I do know one thing. If you do not try you will not succeed. You have to put yourself out there to find what you are looking for. Oprah had a show many years ago where she used the metaphor that we are all taxis in the busy streets of New York. You have a light on the roof that shows if you’re available or not. If your light is not on you won’t be getting any new passengers… This has never made more sense to me than right now in my life. Is my light on?

If your looking for love and you want that commitment I am one hundred percent sure of the fact that you will find it. The question is, is your light on?

Until next time…

O’Natural: To Be Or Not To Be…

In my younger years I was disgusted by the thought of these nudist getaways and farms and thought to myself that only old creepy people go there. Although that might be true for the most part they do have a good point, pun not intended. In the last year or so I have been toying with the idea of loving my body and embracing nudity and the beauty of it. We came into this world naked why should we let society dictate to us that we need to be covered and ashamed of our bodies because we do not look awesome. I have been fortunate to go to a nudist beach a few years ago and experience what the whole thing was about. At that stage I was not that comfortable with shedding my gear but I did look around at what was on display. It was more the older generations on display and honestly sometimes you really do not need to see someone that reminds you of your grandmother in that position on the beach. None the less it was a pretty cool experience. When I get the opportunity again I would gladly go and try it for myself and strip away the chains of confinement that society has bestowed on me.

Beau Brummel was ostracized and criticized from pillar to post for embracing nature and nudity and talking about the things we were all thinking about but to scared to say in public. It’s not just about being perverse and checking out naked people it’s more than that. It is about sharing a common interest with like minded people. Embracing who and what you are, returning to your roots and getting back to basics. Naturally there are people who do these things for the wrong reasons and get a kick out of it. They must just get over it and move on. Of course for us males it is perhaps more of a sexual thing than for woman, and men obviously have more of a difficult time hiding it. But ultimately even an untimely rush of blood in the wrong place that may “raise” your spirits a little too much is just a natural response and you should embrace that too you dirty perv…  Its exciting and liberating at the same time and the rush of exhilaration will let you know that you are alive and that you are a perfect specimen no matter what you look like. In the gay world though it is definitely a sexual thing and the guys on Sandy bay playing with himself in public while making eye contact was testament to that. There always has to be one freak out there that keeps the stereotype alive.

Our bodies are unique and granted some are more attractive than others it is the only one we have and we need to look after it and take care of it. Love your body for what it is, every inch of it from head to toe. Love your love handles, your orange peel, your cellulite. Love your beer boep and your hairy legs because they are yours and the things you are able to do everyday with them is a miracle. Leave your issues behind and shed those clothes and love yourself. When last did you look at yourself naked in the mirror? Everywhere we go these days there they are, these super models on magazines and billboards displaying perfect abs, boobs and buts. What makes them so super? How much of that is reality and how much of that is done by a very clever geek behind a computer with a wild imagination. This geek succeeds in making you look like the perfect specimen using clever software while probably touching himself inappropriately.

You will never have those abs on the billboard because it is not real and that tight ass is only a fantasy. I have my own issues with my body and naturally there are things that you would like to change but be realistic about it. Nudity is most definitely not one of the seven deadly sins and you wont go to hell for being naked, just like you wont go blind or get hair on your palms for touching yourself.

So come on people love yourself and love your body its perfect just the way it is…

Mingling with the straights…

Well now there are always times when we as gay men feel that we want to get in touch with our manly side and do some butch things. Maybe some DIY perhaps some working on the car, god forbid I get grease monkey hands, but generally manly things. Even straight men go through these phases.

Well I always take it a step further sometimes, but hey that is part of the experience of life I guess. More recently I joined a motoring forum, which I will keep anonymous, because I bought a specific car and was encouraged by a straight friend to join. I think he mainly did it to try and convert me as there is some history there but I thought hey lets see what the straight boys can tell me. Well let me tell you the straights are way more communicative on the net and on forums in general compared to any of my homo sisters on Manhunt or Gaydar or any of the other sites. Within 2 minutes of me introducing myself in the forum I had about 20 replies welcoming me to the family. There is no gay site in the world that will do that. Hell the gays classify you into two categories only, fresh meat or competition, neither of which is really very appealing. If you’re in the fresh meat category you will get all kinds of obscene messages or pictures form creepy guys in various stages of their lives. Mainly the ones that are going through midlife crisis’s that has suddenly realised, “Oh Crap, I have no one to grow old with… Oh well lets just bang then”. If you are in the competition category you will get either no replies to emails or winks etc. or they go look at your profile and then do nothing. You then obviously send them a mail or a wink or some form of communication that show interest, and then… nothing… Not a reply to say “sorry, not interested” or “sorry, your ugly” nothing in terms of basic communication etiquette. You would think that because most gays are so set on being proper and successful and well dressed and so on that basic communication would be a breeze, well think again.

I can tell you that the straights love me, they don’t know me from a bar of soap but the fact that I drive this car is enough for them to think that I am the coolest thing since Vanilla Ice was discovered. This afternoon I uploaded some snapshots of my car and again in a matter of seconds I had posts going around about how cool it looked, how awesome the colour was etc. WOW…

Why are the gays so stuck up and pretentious. There is no skill to being a drama queen and trust me honey even though the word “Queen” features in there you are everything but. From one homo to another, get the hell over your issues, insecurities and fault finding tactics and chat to people. Yes people are idiots sometimes and yes there are things like gay bashers but if we all just spent some time getting to know the people we are so opposed too or frightened of, things might actually not look so gloomy. I have tonnes of straight friends who will even help me check out guys from time to time.

I’m making tonnes of new friends with this car though, its freaking awesome. People greet me in traffic, wave as I drive by and even stop me to ask me about it. I am amazed at how people can communicate but oh no, not the gays. Do we really think that we are better than everyone else, because I can sure as hell tell you that we are not. Prancing around with a limp wrist and tight jeans, squealing at the top of your voice is certainly no achievement and does not attract any potential lovers or friends.

Don’t get me wrong the majority of straight men are crude, rude and disgusting sometimes. A while back I went to a popular straight hang out where they race their cars down a tarmac called Tarlton Raceway. Well let me tell you that I can now confirm that most straight stereotypes are indeed correct. Smelly, greasy, mechanic looking types that flex their so called muscles and rev and tune engines. I can honestly say that I have never been that disgusted and aroused at the same time in the presence of such boat loads of testosterone junkies. My hormones have never been so confused; I nearly had a melt down. After the first 30 minutes of racing it does get a bit boring and the spectators get a bit out of hand. I had flash backs from the movie “The hills have eyes”, scary stuff. My suggestion, go for the fun of it but leave before it gets too insane.

Stereotypes are there because of certain people and unfortunately yes we do all get measured on the same level. But let’s all just be chilled out, happy and gay. There is really not that much that needs to be done about it.

Until next time…

The Rebound Guy...

We all know that when you enter the dating game or put yourself on the market that you really need to stay away from the rebound guys because there really is no future with any of them. They want a quick fix so they can feel better about breaking up with the love of their life and you are just merely passing by. Think of him as a race car driver on a grand prix circuit. You are in the pits and he is Michael Schumacher that’s just pulling in for a quick refill and tyre change. There is no long term potential and although I can agree that there are always exceptions to the rule it is still very rare.

The rebound guy is the most dangerous of specimens in the dating world. The whole bruised and battered look is attractive and sweet just long enough to hook you. Much like an injured gazelle setting a very clever and cunning trap. You go for a date and because he is emotionally vulnerable he really pays a lot of attention to you and acts like he understands. He is committed to having a good time with you and really for that moment in time you really feel like you have a connection with him. You may end up going back to his place and having mind blowing sex and you may even think that it is the best that you have ever had and that this is absolutely the one you were waiting for. But oh how wrong you are my little protégé.

The whole reason that all this has transpired so phenomenally well is because he is trying to forget about his ex and that the morning after he realises that you are not the ex and that he is still very much in love. Nothing you do compares to your predecessor. You don’t drink the coffee he made the same way as the ex, you don’t follow the same routines that the ex does and no matter what you do, you just don’t compare in anyway. Last night you were fantastic and today you have to fight a battle against an invisible enemy. You wait for his call in vain and the text messages you send goes unanswered. This makes you clingier and seem needier which is only a further turn off for the wounded gazelle, and only sends him deeper in to the depths of Rebound Ville and reminding him of all the great things of the ex. He feels remorse for having slept with you and pretending to be into you but he is still not over the lover boy that broke his heart.

I am that guy…

After a rather fast paced day filled with challenges around every corner, I suddenly and out of nowhere realised that I am that Michael Schumacher passing through many pits. I am that rebound guy… Well as you can imagine this realisation comes with both shock and horror and you can just imagine the look on my face when this epiphany struck like lightning. I have become the gazelle and now I was the wounded victim trying to forget about someone by testing the waters with every man I could find. This naturally by no means makes me a slut but hey we all have our cross to bear. But then again sluts do have more fun and hey as long as you’re safe what’s the harm in living a bit more adventurous.

After seeing him again today I just realised that the last two months has just been a pause in the highway called life. I have gotten stronger and I feel more in control but the fact of the matter is that I am still in love with him and every man that comes into my life simply does not compare to him. They don’t laugh the same way, walk the same way, wink at me with that naughty grin on his face or make the jokes that he does. I am comparing every single person to him and no matter how I try I cant get him out of my head. After a 2 month break you would expect that things have changed and that I would be over this by now but how wrong I was. I did not expect to see him but the moment I saw him I had butterflies and felt this overwhelming feeling of contentment and joy. It pisses me off that he has this hold on me and that we have no future together, we never did. The fact that he has put on a few extra kg’s does not even matter. He is still the same guy I fell for three years ago.

I don’t have the answers and I sure as hell don’t know right from wrong all the time but I do know that this has no happy ending and that going down this road and taking that off ramp will only lead to a dead end.

Sometimes you have to just step back and look at the situation from a different angle to determine where you need to go. Let’s hope I figure this out soon.

Looking for Love...

I often find myself wondering why we are so driven to find love and happiness right now. In a world where everything has become so fast paced and instant gratification is around every corner is it realistic of us to expect to find love right now and be happily ever after? Who can actually give me a intelligent answer on what happily ever after actually is?

Dating in this day and age has become so challenging and so etiquette driven that no one person can ever really keep up. What does it all mean? Is there any truth behind these dating tips and books that suck you in with a catchy title like “Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus”? And how do you apply these techiques to the gay scene? Well let me tell you there are simply no rules and there is just no clear cut ways of being sure of how the dating game works. I can only say that the immortal words of Charlotte in Sex and the City sums it up perfectly: “I have been dating since I was 15, where is he, I am exhausted”.

Never has more true words been spoken by anyone. All my single friends will agree, whether they admit it or not, that those very words apply to all of us.

Yes we all like our casual sex and we are pretty good at it too, its pretty basic and ther is not much you can do wrong, but isn’t there more to life then getting love for the night? We set standards for ourselves based on romantic movies where someone’s fictional perspective of what life and love should be is imprinted into our minds. Yes you would expect young teenage girls to be more susceptible to such nonsense but in reality who would not want that at any age. Grand gestures of love and romance on a daily basis is awesome but who really lives like that? Look at The Twilight Saga. Sure its based on teenagers and vampires, what a combination, but who would not want their own little Edward. His smouldering good looks suck you in and then obviously if you’re lucky he might suck you…

But real life is much harder and vampires don’t really exist and if they did, I some how think that the reality of meeting a vampire would be way more frightening.

In recent months I have really put myself out there on the market trying to make myself more dateable but all the frogs out there seems to jump out of the wood work when they smell fresh meat. It would seem the only logical and fairly emotionally safe place to meet guys is on the internet. But there are major draw backs to this method. Apart form the obvious perverts who just want to send you pictures of their dicks or invite you over for a quick bang there is a totally emotional disconnection. This is exactly where the problem lies. You check out the picture and based on that sole superficial criteria you make a judgment on the person and you either start communicating with them or you move on. Then you check out the profile which is never really going to tell you all that you need to know about that person. Its not going to say that this guy likes picking his nose in traffic or that he leaves his underwear on the floor or even that he pees in the shower. It wont say that he suffers from premature ejaculation or that he is not going to call you after the second date no matter how good you thought it went.

There is just simply no way of knowing all this without getting to know the person first. It really is a gamble. You immediately create an expectation in your mind based on this profile which often is unrealistic and set yourself up for failure ultimately. A picture speaks a thousand words but what words are those pictures actually saying to you. I think that saying should be changed to say that: “a picture speaks a thousand words that you want to hear”. An excellent example is the date I went on tonight. I started chatting to four guys this afternoon on the web and all very eager to meet and “see where it leads” but only one actual taker when push came to shove.

Nice looking boy, great pictures, short profile summing up the basics. We chatted for a few hours about various topics. He seems rather well organised and has a great smile. We arranged to meet at his place which I was concerned about because I have taken a vow of syllabise and have recently introduced my knees to each other. However I did decide to go as he seemed very sweet. So I rock up there and the pictures did do him more justice than I thought it would. The real thing was not as fantastic as the pictures were. We had coffee and chatted a bit. The conversation on the web was much more interesting that the actual thing. I was there for maybe just over an hour and found myself incredibly bored. I was polite about leaving and he was rather nice about it too. And that was the end. I will probably chat to him again some time but there was no connection or spark. Is there such a thing as a spark or is it a figment of someone’s imagination that just got out and the word spread like wild fire?

In short without boring you to death with the details of my long theories, I am of the opinion that yes love does exist. I see it all around me but you will never know if you don’t try it. Yes you might have to kiss a good couple of frogs but there is the slightest fraction of a chance that you will actually stumble upon your prince. And at the end of the day that is all that matters. If you love someone that is all that matters, the looks are pointless, the clothes are optional and people’s opinions are of no concern to you. It doesn’t matter that he leaves skid marks in the underwear you have to wash or that he farts without flinching in front of you. What you feel is real and that is all you should be focusing on who cares about other opinions, and if they feel that strongly about not dating this person then they should be glad that you are dating him and not them.

So ladies and girly boys go out there and kiss those frogs… you never know what is waiting in the next pond over….

Happy hunting

Why You Should Never Attempt To Date a One Night Stand...

There are some simple rules to live by in the dating world and these rules should never be tampered with. Never date a neighbour, never date a colleague and never ever try to date your one night stand. There are things you might find out that your really did not want to know.

I have been tracking my subject for the article for some time now and although a bit awkward at time Hein seem to have the full package. Yet he has never really found what he was looking for. So after his escapades on Friday night with the Italian stallion in Pretoria, aka AJ, he found himself thinking of this man quite often. Perhaps it was the setting and the excitement and perhaps it meant that there could be more than just a quick bang. At the same time having very confusing signals and mixed communication from Marshall aka “Jags Luiperd” he decided on Monday to call it quits and send the “little” piss willy packing. With Marshall out of the way he decided that it was time to find out what Mr. Italiano was all about and have a proper date with their clothes on.

In my undercover endeavour I watched them closely. Hein had to pick him up, which is a bit of a confusing matter as the man lives in a 5 bedroom mansion with 5 garages. Surely one of those must contain a mode of transportation, however Hein was happy to assist. Apparently conversation was tricky as Mr. Italiano is really straight from Italy and the English not so good, eish. Going to Hein’s favourite hang out, Mugg & Bean the conversation seemed even more strained. Hein looked confused most of the time and had to get him to repeat almost everything.

One thing that he did understand very well was the fact that Mr. Italiano neglected to mention that he has a little wifey in California and that he really does not see that there could be any lasting relationship between two men. If you want a lasting relationship you have to apparently find a wife. Well after gagging on a piece of chicken and slowly getting the colour back in his face Hein handled it very calmly and composed himself like a proper lady should do. While thinking to himself, did I hear that correctly is this guy for real. Upon further interrogation it also came to light that this charming well hung man was very much a closet case and that he has no intention of ever opening up that door and jumping out. Well this was just the cherry on top.

By that time I could see the utter disgust and shock in Hein’s face and when he abruptly and quickly asked for the bill it was clear that this was not going anywhere good. The mans eating preferences also leave much to be desired and he really does not fit the Italian stereotype of loving food and cooking pasta all the time. He cant even cook.

So the trip home was rather quite and when Hein dropped him off there was a slight coldness and before the question, “would you like to come in” was even hatched he abruptly concluded the evening by saying thank you it was lovely have a good evening Mr. Italiano leaned in for a kiss but all he got was a chin/cheek.

So to get my message across to you all very clearly, do not mess with the rules of dating. You do not want to date your one night stand because that really is as great as it is going to get. There is no emotional attraction and there is very little that either of you have in common besides wanting to devour each other with carnal instinct. The setting and the excitement makes is all more exhilarating than it really is and you are so caught up in the moment that your mind convinces you that this is a possible relationship. Sex is not love and one night stands is not a relationship.

As for Hein, I think he is going to take a break from the dating world for a while. In the last few months he has been really active on the dating scene and with people ranging from short insecure draft to guys with hearing aids and Italians with major baggage it is advisable to step away out of the lime light and focus on other things.

Until the next drama unfolds bon voyage.